“ I had given up all chances of hope in that I could actually stop using once and for all. I had been to all kinds of Christian drug rehab facilities with very little success. I truly believed that death was the only and best solution for me! It got so bad for me that I even started to think of what are all of the best ways for me to kill myself.
I felt it was kind of cliche for me to overdose on pills as well as to take a full needle of heroin as far as plunging to my death (pun intended). I did not believe I deserved to go out the cowards way without feeling any pain. In fact, all of the different ideas I had would hurt me really bad at least for a couple of seconds.
Some of the more “brilliant” ideas I had were as follows:
I thought it would be fun to hike up to the top of Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park and have an accidental “slip and fall”. But then I realized that if for some reason that I did survive I could be in a world of pain. I had an acquaintance of mine jump off of a three story building and he actually survived but became paralyzed in the process. Now obviously that would only make the situation worse for my desire to end it all.
Another girlfriend of mine jumped off her dad’s two story home he was building and she just closed her eyes and went head first and when she landed in a pile of dirt below she just broke her collar bone and that was it. So after these two personal experiences I learned the “jump method” was not very effective.
I also thought that maybe if I suddenly were to run across a very busy freeway/highway and to time it just right so that I hit a semi-truck that, that would be a fun rush milliseconds before it was too late to turn back. Alas, I thought of another friend of mine who had a psychotic episode and ran across the highway and was in fact not trying to commit suicide, but rather run away from something else that was scaring him.
In the end, he accidentally got hit by a truck driver and it left such a bloody mess that his mother had to identify him with the only thing left intact which was a part of his left arm that had the remnants of a tattoo on it. There is no way I would be able to put my mother through that, so this option was no longer on the table.
I quickly thought about either drowning, suffocating or burning myself to death, but they all seemed too painful and scary for me as I was thinking about the time it takes for these type of methods to take place and imagining just how painfully scary and miserable for who knows how long, and even then there still is no guarantee.
I thought that maybe a motorcycle or car crash that looked like an accident would be good so the family could have peace in knowing it was not self inflicted but rather a natural cause of death. But like almost every other idea I had, I realized that there is a small chance that I could still survive as I have had some friends survive some pretty nasty crashes from nodding out while under the influence of heroin, benzos and alcohol as well as just about any other drug you can think of.
I had one friend that tried to take himself out by steering into a median on the freeway and all that happened is he rolled his car and picked up new court charges as they could see that he was inebriated. In the end, he finally figured out a way (hanging himself) to finish himself off but it did not seem very pleasant to me!
I just could not get past the concept of miraculously surviving a suicide attempt and feeling very stupid and sheepish and unsuccessful in killing myself as much as I did feel unsuccessful in trying to end my life. If I was going to do this, I was going to make for damn sure that I would do it right the first time!
In the end I concluded I had to make sure that whatever it was that I chose that it had to be quick, have a little bit of excitement and pain but nothing long lasting. So the only obvious solution was a gun. Which every time I thought about it…I kept imagining my family having to see the remnants to identify me which broke my heart.
As I kept drafting up various solutions in my head the idea suddenly popped in my head…”why am I so hellbent in killing myself when I see that others have actually made it out of drug and alcohol addiction successfully?” I mean, what makes them so special that I am a lost cause unable to do the same?
I share these to help paint a picture of just how gruesome my situation is and not to brag or put someone in need of help in an even worse state of mind or condition. Please know that there is always help even if you feel hopeless! You just as I realized is worthy of a full recovery and a life worth living.
Just keep in mind it is actually extremely hard to take this course and turn things around. That is one of the first lessons I had to embrace in my inpatient 12 step program. We have spent years in messing up our lives and causing havoc everywhere we turn. Therefore we will have to spend some time in repairing the damage we have caused. Patient is a virtue indeed!
What led me to them was their ability to address the trauma and shame that continually bound me! I, like their inpatient 12 step program believe that drugs are not my problem; but rather the solution to all of my other problems. The first time I heard that, I had no idea what that really meant. But after putting some effort into thinking about it, that really clicked as far as it is time for me to solve my “true” problems.
I was scared to death to face my trauma and PTSD which was ironic now as just days before I was trying to think of different ways to end my life! To this day I do not know how they came in to my life other than realizing it was my higher power that led me to them. They truly are a God send!
They were so patient and loving and kind to me! And when I say patient, I mean it. They actually practice what they preach as their entire team and staff are all in recovery themselves. They do not ask of you what they will not do themselves. In a way you could say that they are a peer to peer based program. Only difference is that the peers from their Recovery Center have master and PhD degrees and a lot of experience in helping addicts that are suffering from the disease of addiction and mental health!
Their clinical team is stellar in that they know what they are doing. I won’t spoil it for you, but keep in mind that the work they expect you to do is extremely rewarding but hard to work through. I mean it is nothing that is impossible or anything like that, but it is really hard to look yourself in the mirror and face the consequences you have created.
At their Christian rehab you no longer get to play the role of the victim and blame others for your life situations. That was probably the second hardest lesson for me to adopt as my own. I do not like owning my side of the street. Why would anyone want to take full accountability for their problems in life anyways? Especially when you feel justified like I used to.
Besides, if I was raped and molested, how can I take accountability for that? Just to be clear, they have not nor will ever make you own that rape or molestation is your fault. However, they will help you understand that it is your decision in allowing how you let what happened to you affect you!
Once I started to grasp these concepts, I was able to really start to learn more and more at a comfortable pace. I no longer had to stay trapped in my head and believe that it was all my fault. I was finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I actually quit thinking of all the ways to kill myself and was working hard in learning all the ways I could forgive my trespassers as I trespassed upon them! Not to mention the importance of loving others and myself equally. I was actually starting to heal like many others can and do!
I literally owe my life to God but also to them as I know that He led them to me. I needed their inpatient 12 step program at the right time and place. I know they can help you too if you will just let them! You do not have to ever feel afraid or alone in the daily battle you are fighting and slowly losing at every day.
Please understand that there is always help if you will allow it! You can do this as I am a true testament that getting clean and sober is possible. Now that I have some powerful coping tools and understanding, I really do not think I will return to using to deal with my problems. Give them a call today. I promise you will not regret it.
